same obsession, new disguise?
Thursday, June 4, 2009 at 08:17AM All this certainly dovetails nicely with new economic realities. When you can’t afford those violin lessons or a baby sitter to accompany your 10-year-old to the park, you can turn guilt on its head and call it a parenting philosophy. But is it fundamental change? Or is the apparent decline of overparenting (and its corollaries: feelings of competition and inadequacy) actually the same obsession donning a new disguise?
The one constant over the past century has been parents’ determination to find the right answers when it comes to raising their children. In this latest chapter, we have replaced the experts who told us what a good parent worries about with experts who tell us that a good parent doesn’t worry so much. We may even see parents stop aiming to prove how perfect they are and start trying to prove how nonchalant they are. But worry is worry. The search to keep from messing up goes on.
— Let the Kid Be, New York Times
Well, this just dovetails too neatly with what we were talking about this week.
This article really rankles me. What do you think?
Reader Comments (30)
this is also a good quote from the article: “At its core, raising children is about instinct and biology, yes, but on top of that, we build an artificial scaffold, which supports what we have come to think of as parenting truths but are really only parenting trends.”
so when we talk about making a choice different from what most people seem to be doing, evidently we are simply *starting a new trend*. interesting.
In other words, I think it's deeper and broader than parenting. It's the way we approach life altogether and without tossing out modern technology and moving to a remote island with cranky neighbors I'm not sure there's much we can do about it except constantly remind ourselves not to be defined by "people like us" while still enjoying the benefits of being able to talk to people with common interests.
The question is, do other parents feel the same way as me? Are trends and movements simply figments of the media's imagination, or convenient ways to try and explain what is happening in the world?
that remote island (but with NO neighbors — either that, or i am the cranky neighbor) looks better and better every day…
nice try, annika, but *i* want credit! ha. i’m filing the paperwork right now.
alison, i feel the same way — *however*, what i see with this article is someone pointing at you and saying “HAHA [imitating that kid on the Simpsons], you’re just part of a TREND.” pfft. it may be a point of view, but i have to say in my neighborhood it feels like more of a against-the-mainstream (as someone said in a comment on my last post) P.O.V. than a trend.
i remember back when my oldest son was a toddler and we took him to work with us every day. reading an article at lunch, i said to my husband: “hey — there’s a word for us. we’re *attachment parents*.” i suppose, really, trends are simply the media or sociologists or someone else noticing a change in the direction of the prevailing winds.
do you think they are figments of the media’s imagination? i think maybe they blow things out of proportion and call attention to what they like, no matter how common or uncommon it is.
As to Allison's response, I have to agree, parenting is such an intuitive process for me that if it fits. amen, and if it doesn't I will beat my head against a wall until I realize it, and regardless of what "others" are doing things only work for us if they fit into our value system and for lack of a better way to describe it , "feel" right. I often have to remind myself that mothering is a RELATIONSHIP which means I don't call all the shots.
I also don't think there is currently a "decline of overparenting." I doubt there is really one coming. It seems to be a part of our American culture.
The NYT article mentions an author named Tom Hodgekinson and his book The Idle Parent. Here is an article he wrote about the idea (another label?): http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/familyadvice/3355719/Idle-parenting-means-happy-children.html
It is an interesting read. I enjoyed the manifesto at the end of the article.
By the way, this is my first comment on your site, but I have enjoyed reading it for awhile now. :)
I think a lot of this is an extension of our need to validate ourselves as adults (hear me out). The babyboomer (55+) refuse to gracefully take on their role as elders, they look at it disdainfully claiming that they are still young. This means that those of us who have reached what was once thought of as middle age, are not given the right to come into our role as full adults. Even if we have the lifestyle we are reminded that we couldn't possibly be adults since there is no way they are old. Since we are not seen as the middle generation (child, adult, elder) many still search for someone else to tell them what to do.
I wish that the words and concepts old and elder were not so disparaged, I personally look forward to being an old woman. Of course I want to be the kick-ass old woman hiking peaks at 75.
I hope I haven't insulted anyone with this idea, its one I think about a lot.
"...then diligently wore their babies in slings and nursed them into toddlerhood, all the while judging (and feeling judged by) those who did not do the same."
I do not "diligently" wear my babies and nurse them into toddlerhood. I do so because it feels right to me, not out of some martyr-like duty. I do not judge those who don't; I will offer breastfeeding advice when asked (and when I was in a moms club, I was the only one nursing a walker & talker, so I was sort of the one to ask), but I don't cast judgment. And I don't really care if anyone thinks poorly of me because I'm wearing the baby and nursing any ol' place. And notice how the article mentions three parenting authors in the first part of the sentence I quoted, but only slams the AP parents in the second part. (And for the record, I did attend an AP "support" group when my first was a baby, and I found it to be a very judgmental place. I don't have any use for that sort of "support," nor for parents who take on a label and then bludgeon other parents with it. I don't deny that there's an awful lot of judging going on out there.)
It's all very nice that I can wrap up my parenting style in the AP label because it makes it easier to explain--"Oh, we follow AP, pretty much." But we don't do what we do because we wanted to call ourselves AP; we do what we do because it felt right (okay, this is mainly me; my husband doesn't have any strong opinions on this). It just happens to have a name.
This, by the way, is why I don't read much mainstream media. ;)
It seems this is not looked favorably upon... but of course as a parent you want to raise your kids the best you can, and you will look to different ways / methods to do it (call it trends or whatever one wants)... in some ways the media (I'll include books and blogs, etc in that) is a blessing to present information that one may have not been exposed to.
Regarding A.P. I wouldn't put myself in that category, necessarily, but I have learned SO very much from exploring it, and my growing-up years were far from the A.P. category. All I knew was the opposite of that.
I'm not saying anything, really, just rambling my thoughts... its odd how one can put such a negative, sarcastic slant on a bunch of true statements.
let’s say i didn’t feel enlightened or educated by this bit o’ snark…
i hate when people try to label me. i consider myself un-label-able. ;^)
kjerstin, i’ve linked before to tom h’s “idle parent” column in the guardian — i enjoy his writing and his humor. :^)
yes! re: the labels that aren’t exactly trendy … i mean, attachment parenting was not the common parenting method at the time … and even now it seems to be a small segment of the parenting community.
thank you for commenting! i hope you do it again. ;^)
stacey, good, good thoughts … mm … i think i’m about a half-generation older than you, but i feel the exact same way about people who try to stay young and therefore avoid living each age. (it must be a *trend*!! :^P) i have said many times that i think by trying to stay 35 (or whatever) forever, women in their 50s are missing out on being … women in their 50s. it’s like a kind of self-hatred.
i don’t think it’s a right-now thing re: not trusting your instincts, either. i mean, look at the 50s and the mothers who were told not to breastfeed and not to hold their babies too much or pick them up when they cried (for fear of spoiling them). in fact, i would say it’s an *overwhelming* trend that people don’t trust themselves and their own instincts — i wouldn’t even narrow it down to parents or mothers.
theresa, yes! exactly! that’s what i was trying to say to amy c … the writer has set up a no-win situation for all parents. you are belittled no matter what choices you make. terrific!
i agree with you too re: the variety of parenting styles. the media simply shines their spotlight on one after the other. and i have also been a relaxed parent since the get-go, simply doing what felt right and natural to me. and i more or less always have felt in the minority while doing it!
amy, i know, i know — gah. you know, i get really, really tired of this “lets pit all the mommies against each other!” game. just because you make a choice for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you are enemies with people who made a different choice.
your point about judgmental types is interesting — i think the people who do embrace trends and labels are usually the purist types, the ones who *are* more likely to demand fealty to the group or else.
renee, yes, it doesn’t seem like caring about being a good parent is a good thing! :^P and you are so right — the negative, sarcastic slant was what turned me off.
I just want you to know that this blog *is* my "remote island", where I can go to remind myself that other people actually think like I do! I've pretty much had to stay away from the NY Times lately, I just can't swallow the judgmental, elitist tone anymore. It's pretty presumptuous to assume that parents aren't signing their kids up for all kinds of programs or lessons because they can't afford it! (and then are pretending to do it out of principle???!!!) This author, who is a mom herself, needs to get a grip!
I've been pushing the "take time for mom" line for years, trying to convince my fellow homeschoolers that you need to take time for yourself to avoid burnout and be a successful homeschooler! And yes, I've seen plenty of competitive overparenting among homeschoolers in my area. I'm pretty sure it's the fault of our Type A, high achieving community and news articles that try to define good parenting.
Now I'm thinking of Glinda from The Wizard of Oz. "Are you a good parent or a bad parent?" LOL
On the plus side, my parenting style is now considered "trendy" by NYT! Woohoo! Does that mean the critics will leave me alone for a month? :o)
agree with you completely re: the writer and the article.
brynn — “There are many well-intentioned parents that are indeed doing what the book, or the expert, or their neighbor is promoting because that is what they have been doing since they were five-what others told them to do! Let this stand as one more reason to educate our children for wholeness and authenticity so that they may one day parent with their hearts.” — beautifully said!
oh, cristina, haven’t you *heard*, hs’ing is a trend, too. :^P
http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-05-28-homeschooling-report_N.htm
lol re: glinda! i’m from the midwest, so i think that puts me squarely in the middle ’twixt good and bad. ;^)
where to begin?
i dislike the self-congratulatory tone of this piece. "i have discovered there a tons of other chicks doing what dooce does and i'm here to tell you all about it".
i dislike that everything here sounds black and white; mothers are either smothering kids with daily cello lessons or guzzling tequila while the mean ol' toddler plays with the steak knives. thank you for the kindness of labeling us, ms belkin! we're not thinking for ourselves - no, no, we're deliberately choosing this *nonchalant* parenting *trend* to appear hipper than helicopter mom. i kept waiting for her to use "laissez faire" (she didn't).
good grief, charlie brown.
after reading a few of her previous columns on parenting, i've deduced belkin may *need* parenting to be a competition, so that she can be the FIRST to dish up the latest pseudo-cultural shift to us.
gee, was that too harsh?
I was just talking to my husband this last week about the whole idea of parenting from books...
I think this "trend" may have started for a few reasons...
One... new parents are isolated from extended family and therefore have fewer opportunities to see effective parenting in action.
Two... the parenting they have been exposed to has not been effective and therefore they are left without examples to follow.
So where, as a new young parent, do you turn for guidance? As we have all been taught... if you want to know more about something you talk to the people who know or read a book!
A new parent in this situation is going to end up reading the "hot book" of the times or the book that is recommened by other young parents they met up with at the park or play group...
I have never defined my parenting by a trend but I have found myself searching for examples of what I would like to be like as a parent...
agree re: the b&w tone, and as i said somewhere up above there, that b&w attitude is also pitting us against each other. when we were talking about over-scheduled kids earlier this week, ellen stood up for good activities and we were quick to say we weren’t anti-activity, we just wanted to champion leaving some unscheduled time for kids. is that b&w, mom-against-mom? no.
now excuse me, i need to go check the times to see what sunglasses we hipster parents are wearing this year.
dawn, beautiful point about why parents might have turned to books for advice in the first place. i’ll suggest yet another — i notice that many of my friends having babies in the last 10 years had very little experience with babies and small children. they hadn’t babysat and they didn’t have siblings or cousins who were babies when they were young. so they really felt like neophytes when they had their own children. in the old days, you grew up around babies because you were close to your extended family, and in my days you babysat from the time you turned 11 or 12. you grew up with a lot of knowledge gleaned from other adults, family members, and your own experiences.
good point again about the hot book of the moment — of course new parents are going to reach for the very latest in parenting tips!
re: looking for examples … i was thinking about something very similar to this last night … it’s not that we’re looking to jump onto a trend, it’s that we’re looking for the thing that is “like us” — the way we already think and feel, the thing similar to our own choices to define what we do. trends reveal current directions of thinking — but this article would have you think people blindly follow parenting trends like fashion trends.