Friday
Jun262009
open thread
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 06:19AM ”That’s just how parents are,” Henry explained wisely as he ate the cheese off the top of his slice and wiped his greasy hand on his jeans. “They like to talk about how they used to do things or about how they plan to do things someday, but parents aren’t very good at right now.” — Any Which Wall
thank you, Diana, for sending me this quote!
in open thread
open thread
Reader Comments (25)
we’ll see if anyone is around this weekend who wants to chat!
Denise Brennan-Nelson? The quote above reminds me of it.
Being in the RIGHT NOW requires me to stop all the "stuff" going on in my brain. The past and the future is so much more manageable to me because I can organize them, reframe them, think about them--all in my head. The RIGHT NOW requires me to quiet my brain and DO. And yet it's so much more rewarding.
Great topic starter!
we always think we can give children a portion of our attention when they want the entire thing. (and we think they’ll think they got the whole thing — as if!) sometimes i don’t even realize how relentlessly some small percentage of my brain is buzzing on something else (a project, a plan, a worry, a list) even when i’m thinking i’m giving them my full attention — and then something happens like a camping trip or a power outage and i realize how *different* it is when i really do completely devote myself to what’s in front of me.
sarah, i’m not familiar with that book, but i will look for it at the library! :^)
you are so right that processing the past and/or present requires something completely different (and easier) than processing the immediate. i keep thinking that if i continue to bring myself back to it again and again, quietly, insistently, eventually it will be habit.
jen, that made laugh out loud — ;^) — and it’s so true … all those daily concerns like laundry and meals … they make for so much background brain noise, breaking our concentration. i gave up on greasy laundry *ages* ago, though. ;^) lost cause!
renee, that would be a *great* habit to work on. :^) and you’re right — summer is a great time for a fresh start!
sarah, yes yes yes — this has been my main thing for the past two years, trying to concentrate on really enjoying *now*, before now becomes yesterday! each stage of life has so much to enjoy — and i’m determined to enjoy it!
This makes me think about all of our "modern" household "helpers"... washers, dryers, dishwashers... sometimes they become more of a distraction to me than a help. It may be my own little fantasy but I imagine that in the past these were activites that took some focus... you had to set aside time to do those chores from beginning to end... now they are spread throughout my day interupting my abitlity to place focus on what is at hand. "Okay, lets do that... just let me get those clothes into the dryer first"
It could have also helped that in the past each family member had only three outfits and one was only worn on Sunday!
I am working on it... but it can be hard at times!
Of course, now I have to set the laptop to one side and devote myself to the 1000th reading of this book, and this time I promise myself to put every thing into it.
Never fails to amaze me how "in the now" kids can live. It's some thing they need to teach me.
To me, living in the NOW is about learning to honour silence, and non verbal communication and allowing the child to lead.
A nice thing to think about. I think we'll take a look at the book. Our right now is packing, and so was our yesterday and so is our tomorrow. Dang. Still, doing it together and paying attention to each other as it goes makes for better days.
Dawn, I know what you mean about the "helpers." I think that is one of the reasons camping trips can really ground me--doing things the slow way focuses me, as does limited menu and wardrobe.
Thanks for the food for thought!
AND, bringing it back to what you were saying, when i am washing the dishes (and it only takes a few minutes, really), i am really aware of what i am doing. i am focused. it’s a very quiet activity. i think about things. it’s very peaceful.
and you are so right — i just do it and focus on it while i’m doing it, and i *can’t* do anything else at the same time — whereas before, filling/emptying was a constant interruption. better to just do one thing and put your mind on it!
i think when we “multi-task” we think we’re getting more done, when really we’re just developing monkey mind…
kelly, so true — and i was thinking about how children always want to add just one more thing onto each activity, stretching it out and out and out, and how often we snap and think, why can’t they be satisfied?! when really they are simply burrowed into the moment, getting every bit of enjoyment out of it.
sometimes i think “no” comes out almost automatically and we need to train ourselves to pause and more seriously consider a “sure, why not”. ;^)
susana, YES YES YES, and teachers are the same way! they ask questions that they don’t actually expect an answer to, obviously, since they don’t even pause before answering their own question…
this all ties back to white space again, your comment about being quiet and letting the children fill the space!
helen, me too — maybe we need to cross-stitch a sampler. ;^)
cordelia, i feel exactly the same way about camping — it really brings your focus down to exactly what is happening right now. there are no distractions. small things suddenly loom large — in a good way. ;^) i just need to learn to channel that when i’m not in the woods!
theresa, a good reminder any time, right? :^) happy weekend!
jennifer, it’s so true re: being happy if you get one thing done — and then you actually accomplish something — whereas if you have a long list and too many expectations you so often don’t accomplish anything! tell your dh i applaud him. ;^)
as my boys get older, i have the blessing of more quiet time to myself — just a little in the morning works wonders for me. i find i can give them my attention fully and more generously if i had a bit of time to myself first!
Second, the quote makes me defensive. I wonder if that's how my children think of me, too? I try really hard to enjoy the now days (I have a whole post about that!), and I feel like my children are often wanting more, more, more. "When will we do x-y-z again?" they ask, and I get so frustrated. What's wrong with what we're doing now? And I try hard to say "yes," but there's got to be a line, because if I'm saying "yes" resentfully because the baby is napping (in the car, but hey, she's not on me) and I'm sitting outside knitting so I can hear her and the boys are playing outside and the 5yo comes and sees me knitting and says, "Will you play with me?" Of course I say yes, because he's not going to be 5 forever, but what about the part of me that is saying WHY CAN'T I HAVE TEN MINUTES TO SIT AND KNIT?
re: feeling defensive (lol), i think there’s no way we can deny that children are the experts at right now. after all, what seven-year-old cares much about their past? or their future, past their plans for this weekend?
re: ten minutes to just sit and knit — that’s exactly what i was saying in that previous comment about how much *better* i handle immersing myself in the now with them if i’ve had my little chunk of time. there’s no denying that either!
All of this made me think of a book I read years ago... and have revisited parts of since then... A Reasonable Life by Ferenc Mate... Extreme in some ways but a great look at how times have changed...
Most convicting.
Thanks for your comment, Lori. I've visited Camp Creek before but it's been a while and I was drawn back in today. Really enjoy it!