Still Thinking about Self-Esteem
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 10:23AM 
My sister’s high school class had five valedictorians, because parents pitched a fit when the top student won by a tenth of a point and they felt their children had been penalized for taking extracurricular classes like band and chorus. This school had 44 valedictorians.
ScienceDaily: Parenting Styles Can Hurt Children’s Self-Esteem
Alfie Kohn: “Let me get this straight. Kids who get higher scores on standardized tests are unhappy and self-doubting, so that means we should question the importance of happiness and self-confidence, rather than the importance of these tests?” Washington Post: Self-Esteem Might Not Equal High Scores
Wikipedia page on Self-Esteem: “From the late 1970s to the early 1990s many Americans assumed as a matter of course that students' self-esteem acted as a critical factor in the grades that they earn in school, in their relationships with their peers, and in their later success in life. Given this assumption, some American groups created programs which aimed to increase the self-esteem of students. … Peer-reviewed research undertaken since then has not validated previous assumptions. Recent research indicates that inflating students’ self-esteem in and of itself has no positive effect on grades. One study has shown that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades.”
“There is convincing evidence that people with high self-esteem are happier, as well as more likely to undertake difficult tasks and persevere in the face of failure. Other studies have failed to confirm the virtues of high self-esteem. One way to understand the divergent views is to distinguish various kinds of self-esteem. Researchers are beginning to examine differences between explicit and implicit self-esteem. The explicit form is judged by what we say about ourselves, while implicit self-esteem is measured by automatic responses, such as how we associate words that have favorable or unfavorable connotations with ourselves.” Harvard Health: Implicit vs. Explicit Self-Esteem
Reader Comments (14)
Seriously, I have no words for this ridiculousness!
I don't think it's a bad thing, as children get older, for them to learn that not everyone has the same skills. If everyone is treated the same--if there are no markers of achievement--how do kids learn their own strengths? By treating everyone equally, isn't that denying our kids pleasure in what they enjoy and do well? Aren't there ways to honor those strengths without creating competition? On the other hand, too many things are turned into a competition that don't have to be.
We homeschool, and part of the reason is because I don't want my son to connect learning with grades and judgment--I would like him to continue learning for the joy of learning as long as possible. I feel school absolutely killed that for me.
I *know* there is a balance here, but it's an elusive one. I work on it all the time.
This idea that "everyone is a winner" and "there are no losers", etc. is rather mysterious to me, and I must admit that I find myself scoffing at the notion that telling everyone they are great can instill a quest for excellence in anyone.
I agree that by cutting the crusts off of our childrens' social and academic lives and eliminating the distinctions which honor individuals who excel in various fields is a mis-guided attempt at making everyone feel "good". The root problem exists, Honor Roll or not. Why are we not looking at the reasons self-esteem is so important to development (emotional, intellectual, artistic, etc.) ?
My mind is buzzing with all this...great stuff!
amy, i wrote about praise here before, and people had some pretty strong feelings about it:
http://www.whiteoakschool.com/camp-creek-blog/2008/3/7/perfectionism-and-praise.html
http://www.whiteoakschool.com/camp-creek-blog/2008/3/7/perfectionism-and-praise.html
your story about “good jumping!” is such a great example of how to train kids to be dependent on praise — ugh! and it’s fairly empty praise at that! the idea that a child would stop doing something *they really enjoy* because they feel cheated if they don’t get a treat for doing it .. which is what i think this type of praise leads to .. drives me nuts. it’s another example of taking the work out of the child’s hands, stealing what belongs to them.
re: markers for achievement — ah, i could talk about this all day. you make so many important points. honor roll and the role of valedictorian used to mean something -- it set apart those students who strove to get the highest grades. but there were other ways to shine in the 1950s high school, after all -- earning your letter in a sport. i believe that has been made meaningless as well. somehow i think kids in 1950 felt really good about their achievements, because they were rewards for hard work in one area or another. whereas now, i think we’re raising praise addicts .. kids who can no longer get a high from just a “good job” or an A+.
i wrote the other day about whether kids should be allowed to play to their strengths .. to me, that is honoring their differences. i got an interesting e-mail in response from a reader who said we were doing a disservice to our children if we didn’t give them experience “in everything”, as we couldn’t possibly predict what their talents and interests might be when they were adults. my -- everything you say? that’s quite a tall order. i’m afraid education may be suffering from trying to lightly skate over way too much material without ever letting kids dig in deep enough to find out *what* they might be good at or what they might enjoy.
re: your aim to not have your son connect learning with grades and judgment .. i’m totally with you there, and i think that it is completely useless anyway to raise children to get their self-worth from beating their competition. after all, who’s to say that their sixth-grade peers are the same as a random group of sixth-graders from another city or another state? just because you’re “the best” in this class doesn’t mean you’d be the best in the next county, in Japan, or in your chosen field as an adult. isn’t the only person worth competing with *yourself*?
it’s ridiculous, as you are saying, shelly, to say that if all kids feel *good*, they will all achieve. if everyone is a winner, what does that even mean? who defines what the race is? only the child, and the adult, can define for themselves what they think is meaningful to them, and only they should decide when they feel they are giving their all and when they have achieved when they set out to do.
that is what i meant when i talked in monday’s post about *authentic* self-esteem .. it’s not that i don’t want my kids to feel good about themselves. i just want them to have *true* feelings of achievement .. you know, based on *actual achievement*. :^P
“The essence of our effort to see that every child has a chance must be to assure each an equal opportunity, not to become equal, but to become different — to realize whatever unique potential of body, mind and spirit he or she possesses.” — John Fischer
“good jumping!”
I have been finding myself saying, "good job" about lots of things with my almost 3-y.o. nephew as he is learning lots of new skills these days. Even though I *know* it's not helpful, the words come out so instinctively!
I don't have as difficult of a time with my 10 y.o. son, but that could be because while he is learning and growing every day, the progress isn't so obvious/in your face as with my nephew. Much more is going on internally with him, which is equally important. When he's surrounded by family members constantly praising the little ones for their new skills, I think it is easier for him to get discouraged about his growth because he's not being praised all the time. I don't want them to start praising him for praise's sake, but I don't want him to develop a complex over it either. He's almost 8 years older than his oldest cousin, so he's kind of in his own little world!
By learning that caring for myself felt so much better than hurting myself. That I could be endlessly powerful, but that it meant stepping outside the lines, and redefining power. It was not easy. Not the path I want for my children. I want them to hit the ground running, or, if they are sitting, to be perfectly content with that posture!
And now here I am, a mother. WIth a child that is a not a nest of hurt.
So I resolved to teach him to care for himself, To listen to his body. To listen to his heart. To speak his truth. To negotiate his space with that of others. I try to make room to hear it. To show these things by doing the same.
I so whole-heartedly agree that our social "markers" are now meaningless, though I too believe they once had great value to those who worked hard for them, whatever their motivation. It's absolutely related to this intense anxiety I sense about not wanting our children to fail, which you have discussed wisely here before. I have to say, Benen fails, DAILY. I mean, not to be harsh, he has many triumphs too, but failure is a great teacher in our home. She's not a bad thing. I try to work with her as an ally, both in my own life and in his.
I have some friends who are "chronic underachievers". They are content. They are a joy to be with. They accomplish much in their lives that is rich and loving and beautiful, and they just fly under the radar of what is socially "normal", and they are the most internally motivated people I know. Every year I slide a little closer to them, a little further down the honor roll. I started at the top, so it is a long slide. The further down I drip the happier I am.
I guess, too, that where you land as a parent in this whole achievement dialogue has a lot to do with what YOU esteem. I always remind myself of this when I encounter concerns about our approach to learning and being. For me, this is hugely about being clear in my mind about what we value.
So much to consider here. Excellent discussion, thank you.
as usual, i think the important thing is simply to be aware of it and try to, as much as possible, say meaningful things when necessary, and stay out of the way when that’s best. :^)
amy, do you think maybe i beat the drum of “let your children fail” a little too much? ;^) i just see it as an absolutely necessary component to building authentic self-esteem .. a true sense of self. being okay with the fact that we are human and mistakes are inevitable; being able to accept that and move on! move on to the good stuff .. how enjoyable life is, how enjoyable meaningful work is, how enjoyable it is to communicate with one another.
i have some loved under-the-radar people, too. this, to me, brings up a couple of things. i want my children to grow up to define success for themselves .. but i also don’t want them to be afraid of failure and therefore afraid of success. some people *appear* to under-achieve because they are marching to the beat of their own drummer, which i whole-heartedly celebrate. but some people truly under-achieve because they are afraid to put themselves out there, afraid to embarrass themselves, afraid to fail. i would rather fail doing something i care about than succeed doing something easy for me .. i want the same thing for my children.
re: being clear about what we value .. so true .. absolutely. we need to take time to think about these things! are we making choices for our children that match up with our values? our goals for their lives as adults? that‘s what this thought process is all about for me. reflecting on our choices, and knowing that we are free to change if we need to.
Also I do a lot of parties (with my se7en!) and you can no longer play any games that produce any kind of winner or loser, without the whole thing falling apart, not necessarily for the kids but certainly for the go getter parents who are standing by. I don't think people realize how important for kids it is to figure that there will always be some folk ahead of them and some folk behind them in all areas of life... I really want my kids to learn this gently when they are young, rather than when they arrive in the world of adults and discover this truth the hard way.
and yes — this topic always elicits an intense response! :^)
skye, yes .. another time when we have to feel around for the right balance .. of course we want to express how much we value and love our children, but just as you say, not in a way that trains them to need praise. agreed, so much to think about!
"...contrary to popular wisdom, increasing children's self-esteem is not always a good idea - especially if it is achieved by lowering their expectations." - Written by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi more than 10 years ago! (I wonder what he thinks now!)
i love m.c. -- and that quote is right on the money! if we have to lower expectations to make kids feel good .. that helps them how?